A\u015fk\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131t\u0131 ger\u00e7ekten nefret mi? Yoksa ondan daha derin, daha sessiz, daha yava\u015f y\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 bir kar\u015f\u0131tl\u0131k var m\u0131? Y\u0131llard\u0131r yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00f6zlemler, dan\u0131\u015fanlar\u0131mla yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7ten konu\u015fmalar ve hayat\u0131n kendi bana hep \u015funu f\u0131s\u0131ldad\u0131: A\u015fk\u0131n ger\u00e7ek kar\u015f\u0131t\u0131 nefret de\u011fil, umursamazl\u0131kt\u0131r.<\/p>\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc nefret, h\u00e2l\u00e2 bir ba\u011f ta\u015f\u0131r. H\u00e2l\u00e2 enerji gerektirir. Nefret, bir zamanlar sevilmi\u015f bir \u015feyin k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, incinmi\u015f halidir belki de. Ama umursamamak? Sessiz bir kaybolu\u015ftur. G\u00f6r\u00fcnmemek. Yokmu\u015f gibi davranmak. Kalabal\u0131k bir odada biri sana bakmadan yan\u0131ndan ge\u00e7iyorsa, bir zamanlar birlikte g\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fcz biri art\u0131k g\u00f6zlerine bile bakm\u0131yorsa, i\u015fte o zaman anlars\u0131n: As\u0131l kar\u015f\u0131tl\u0131k orada.<\/p>\n
Psikanalist Donald Winnicott\u2019un \u201cg\u00f6r\u00fclmek\u201d \u00fczerine s\u00f6yledikleri tam da bu noktada \u00f6nem kazan\u0131yor. Ona g\u00f6re, bebeklik d\u00f6neminden itibaren her bireyin temel ihtiyac\u0131, bir ba\u015fkas\u0131 taraf\u0131ndan “ger\u00e7ekten g\u00f6r\u00fclmek”tir. Bu g\u00f6r\u00fclme hali, bireyin varolu\u015funu onaylayan bir deneyimdir. E\u011fer birey g\u00f6r\u00fclmezse, psikolojik olarak silinir, yani varl\u0131\u011f\u0131 reddedilmi\u015f hisseder. Bu ba\u011flamda, bir ili\u015fkide umursanmamak, varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n ink\u00e2r\u0131 anlam\u0131na gelir.<\/p>\n
Bar\u0131\u015f zamanlar\u0131nda insanlar birbirini daha kolay unutur. Al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131klar bizi k\u00f6rle\u015ftirir. Ayn\u0131 masada otururuz ama g\u00f6z g\u00f6ze gelmeyiz. Ayn\u0131 evi payla\u015f\u0131r\u0131z ama birbirimizin varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark etmeyiz. Oysa sava\u015fta, k\u0131tl\u0131kta, kriz anlar\u0131nda sevgi neredeyse \u00e7\u0131plak bir ger\u00e7eklik halini al\u0131r. Bir dilim ekme\u011fi payla\u015fmak, bir battaniyenin alt\u0131na birlikte girmek, hayatta kalma i\u00e7g\u00fcd\u00fcs\u00fcyle birle\u015fir ve a\u015fk, sadece romantik bir duygu olmaktan \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p bir var olma bi\u00e7imi olur.<\/p>\n
Umursamazl\u0131k ise, g\u00f6rece konforun i\u00e7inde b\u00fcy\u00fcr. En \u00e7ok da g\u00fcvenli, sessiz, monoton zamanlarda kendini g\u00f6sterir. Ve i\u015fin tuhaf\u0131, daha az g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcr oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in daha tehlikelidir. A\u015fk\u0131 \u00f6ld\u00fcren en yayg\u0131n sebep, \u015fiddetli tart\u0131\u015fmalar de\u011fil, ilgisizliktir. Kavga eden \u00e7iftler h\u00e2l\u00e2 bir \u015feyler kurtarmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordur. Ama konu\u015fmayan, birbirine sormayan, sormay\u0131 b\u0131rakan \u00e7iftler? \u0130\u015fte orada a\u015fk susmu\u015ftur.<\/p>\n
A\u015fk, bir bak\u0131\u015ft\u0131r. Bir sesleni\u015ftir. “Bug\u00fcn nas\u0131ls\u0131n?” sorusunun i\u00e7inde yatan binlerce duygu. Bir fincan kahveyi birlikte i\u00e7me iste\u011fi. Ak\u015fam yeme\u011finde telefona de\u011fil g\u00f6ze bakmak. Umursamak, her g\u00fcn yeniden se\u00e7mektir.<\/p>\n
Psikolog John Gottman\u2019\u0131n \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131, ili\u015fkilerde en b\u00fcy\u00fck k\u0131r\u0131lmalar\u0131n, tart\u0131\u015fmalardan de\u011fil; hor g\u00f6rme, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmseme ve ilgisizlik gibi mikro davran\u0131\u015flardan kaynakland\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6steriyor. Gottman, bu t\u00fcr umursamazl\u0131k belirtilerinin bo\u015fanmay\u0131 \u00f6ng\u00f6ren en g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc g\u00f6stergelerden biri oldu\u011funu vurguluyor. Yani a\u015fk\u0131n kayb\u0131, b\u00fcy\u00fck f\u0131rt\u0131nalardan \u00e7ok, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck sessizliklerden ge\u00e7iyor.<\/p>\n
Ve umursamazl\u0131k, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir yorgunluktur belki. Ama birikir. Y\u0131llar i\u00e7inde bir da\u011fa d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr. Kimse bir g\u00fcnde vazge\u00e7mez. Ama her g\u00fcn biraz daha eksilir ilgi. Bir bakm\u0131\u015fs\u0131n, art\u0131k hi\u00e7 merak etmiyorsun sevdi\u011fin insan\u0131n i\u00e7 d\u00fcnyas\u0131n\u0131.<\/p>\n
Bu y\u00fczden a\u015fk\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131t\u0131 nefret de\u011fil. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc nefret, belki de h\u00e2l\u00e2 bir ba\u011f i\u00e7eriyor. Ama umursamazl\u0131k, ba\u011f\u0131n koptu\u011fu yerdir. Sessizli\u011fin \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131k att\u0131\u011f\u0131 yerdir.<\/p>\n
Sava\u015fta bir \u00e7orbay\u0131 payla\u015fmak kadar de\u011ferli olabilir, bar\u0131\u015fta bir “Nas\u0131ls\u0131n?” sorusu. Ve ger\u00e7ek bar\u0131\u015f, ancak birbirimizi ger\u00e7ekten g\u00f6rmeye ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zda gelir.<\/p>\n
Bug\u00fcn kimi g\u00f6rd\u00fcn? Kime i\u00e7tenlikle “Senin varl\u0131\u011f\u0131n benim i\u00e7in \u00f6nemli” dedin?<\/p>\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc a\u015fk, sadece sevmekle de\u011fil, g\u00f6rmeye devam etmekle ya\u015far. Ve umursamak, bazen sava\u015f\u0131n ortas\u0131nda de\u011fil, s\u0131radan bir g\u00fcn\u00fcn sabah\u0131nda ba\u015flar.<\/p>\n
Sevgilerimle,<\/p>\n
\u0130layda<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A\u015fk\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131t\u0131 ger\u00e7ekten nefret mi? Yoksa ondan daha derin, daha sessiz, daha yava\u015f y\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 bir kar\u015f\u0131tl\u0131k var m\u0131? Y\u0131llard\u0131r yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m g\u00f6zlemler, dan\u0131\u015fanlar\u0131mla yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7ten konu\u015fmalar ve hayat\u0131n kendi bana hep \u015funu f\u0131s\u0131ldad\u0131: A\u015fk\u0131n ger\u00e7ek kar\u015f\u0131t\u0131 nefret de\u011fil, umursamazl\u0131kt\u0131r. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc nefret, h\u00e2l\u00e2 bir ba\u011f ta\u015f\u0131r. H\u00e2l\u00e2 enerji gerektirir. Nefret, bir zamanlar sevilmi\u015f bir \u015feyin k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, incinmi\u015f […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":52925,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"content-type":"","jnews-multi-image_gallery":[],"jnews_single_post":{"format":"standard","jnews_video_option_group":[[]],"override":[{"template":"1","parallax":"1","fullscreen":"1","layout":"right-sidebar","sidebar":"singlepost-widget","second_sidebar":"default-sidebar","sticky_sidebar":"1","share_position":"float","share_float_style":"share-normal","show_featured":"1","show_post_meta":"1","show_post_author":"1","show_post_author_image":"1","show_post_date":"1","post_date_format":"default","post_date_format_custom":"Y\/m\/d","show_post_category":"1","show_post_reading_time":"0","post_reading_time_wpm":"300","post_calculate_word_method":"str_word_count","show_zoom_button":"1","zoom_button_out_step":"2","zoom_button_in_step":"3","show_post_tag":"1","show_popup_post":"1","number_popup_post":"2","show_author_box":"1","show_post_related":"1"}],"image_override":[{"single_post_thumbnail_size":"no-crop","single_post_gallery_size":"crop-500"}],"trending_post_position":"meta","trending_post_label":"Trend","sponsored_post_label":"Sponsorlu","disable_ad":"0","subtitle":"\u0130yi \u0130li\u015fkiler, \u0130yile\u015fen Ben"},"jnews_primary_category":[],"jnews_override_bookmark_settings":{"override_bookmark_button":"0","override_show_bookmark_button":"0"},"jnews_social_meta":[],"jnews_paywall_metabox":{"paragraph_limit":"2","enable_premium_post":"0","enable_free_post":"0","override_paragraph_limit":"0","enable_preview_post":"0","enable_preview_video":"0"},"jnews_review":[],"enable_review":"","type":"percentage","name":"","summary":"","brand":"","sku":"","good":[],"bad":[],"score_override":"","override_value":"","rating":[],"price":[],"jnews_override_counter":{"view_counter_number":"0","share_counter_number":"0","like_counter_number":"0","dislike_counter_number":"0"},"jnews_post_split":{"post_split":[{"template":"1","tag":"h2","numbering":"asc","mode":"normal","first":"0","enable_toc":"0","toc_type":"normal"}]},"jnews_podcast_option":[],"jnews_podcast_series":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[634,65,47,632],"tags":[199,2267,2624,2625,2592,841,2626],"jnews-series":[],"class_list":["post-52916","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-iliski-yetkinlikleri","category-kendimle-olan-iliskim","category-romantik-iliskilerim","category-toplumla-olan-iliskilerim","tag-ask","tag-baris","tag-gormek","tag-nefret","tag-savas","tag-sevgi","tag-umursamazlik"],"yoast_head":"\n